How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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