I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
