so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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