Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
