Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
