What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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