I don't usually arrange sex via text message
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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