Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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