nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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