This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
