Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
