im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
