my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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