If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just want to make out with him forever
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
