I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
