My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
