Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
