I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
