Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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