I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
