Don't make out with my wife yet
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
