I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
