When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
