she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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