Need sex. Gaining weight.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize