I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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