her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My penis needs a shock collar
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
