I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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