I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
