I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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