ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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