We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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