my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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