I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
