I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
