Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
