I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My ATM looks so different sober.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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