The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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