I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize