Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
