Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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