be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
