Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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