Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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