I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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