ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
