But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
