i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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