Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
