Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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