I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
