Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I party with great urgency now.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
