we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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