He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
