So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
