I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
