Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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