my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
