everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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