So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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