Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
