her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
