I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
