i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
