Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
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