There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
