can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
