if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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