I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Randomize
