walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
